Things I want to tell my sister

24 July, operation day. New knee, here we come.

All pre-op stuff done, all bloodtests back normal.

Allergies updated on all forms at pre-op. So good to go.

The appointment was at 12:30, so I got there early as is my way.

In my room by 12:05, post surgery meal ordered, seen by nurse for obs, physio for introduction to zimmer frame for post surgery, anaesthetist updated on what would happen and consultant been to say all good.

13:50 get taken down to operating theatre for spinal block with some extra numbing juice in the leg being operated on. Tourniquet on thigh and off I go into the operating room.

Final chat with consultant before the sheet goes up, so I can’t see what they are going to do. I’m sure I will hear and smell everything though.

Then I hear swearing, and all goes quiet. ….

Turns out my allergy to nickle wasn’t passed onto the surgeons. The new knee they had contains nickle, so to prevent any post-op complications with allergic reaction, op gets cancelled. 😬

He even had his scalpel in hand ready to start, so close yet so far.

Off I go to recovery, then back to my room to get the feeling back in my lower half.

Odd sensation, feeling your legs with your hands, but not your hand on your legs.

The new date is booked for 21 August , mainly due to plans we have from next weekend onwards.

Round 2 of the new knee will start then. At least now I know what else I should have taken with me. (Tena pads as with everything numb from the waist down, you can’t tell you are pissing yourself🙈🙉🙊) Also, as the leg they are operating on is still numb 18 hours later, pain will be ok after surgery.

Back to work I go on Monday! 🙃

Hi Em,

For no apparent reason, I’m feeling sad today.

Would love to be able to call, visit or message you for a chat. Nothing special, hearing you’re voice would be amazing right now.

Think you’d have loved our recent sisters day. Lots of fun had by all. You’d have been laughing at Kerry and me. But impressed by Tracey. She’s getting braver, slowly but surely.

Also think you’d love Mum’s new puppy. Whilst also frowning at her getting a new puppy, like the rest of us. But no telling her, as you well know.

Miss you so much.

Will keep you updated when I can.

X

It’s been a bit crazy since I last wrote to you.

Dad passed away in March, 4 days before the whole country got locked down due to a virus. All four of us were with him st the end. Took turns to stay in the hospital, then hospice over night with him so he wasn’t alone. Anyone who says “they died peacefully with their family around them ” is telling fibs. His funeral was very odd. Only 10 people allowed, no car other than the hearse. Four of us carried him in, but we then all had to sit two meters apart. Very surreal experience. Others got to see it via video link, so he had to get technical for his last goodbye.

M has found happiness with a new partner, who is someone you knew. They are engaged, and your house is up for sale, one offer been accepted after a week.

Today’s news, and the reason I’m writing today, sadly Milo has been put to sleep today. M has looked after him amazingly, but he had a sever infection and started having seizures, so the decision was made to end his suffering. We are all devastated as he felt like our last link to you. Mum says you must have wanted him with you.

I’ve got so many things I’d love to chat about with you. Get your thoughts on a few tricky ones that I can’t get my head around. Thought about going to see a medium, but I know you thought it was all nonsense. So even it it is real, your stubbornness would stop you talking back!

Miss you every day, love you lots. Hope you, Dad and Milo have found each other. X

It’s been a while and there’s a fair bit to tell you.

Dad got taken to hospital. The full 999 works. Lots of fluid retention, and suspected sepsis on a wound on his leg. He’s gone forum a two week stay in hospital on a DNR, to being told they’ll get him to 80! He’s more open and talking about what’s going on and how hes feeling, which is good. Just need to get Mum to open up more about how shes feeling now. But I won’t hold my breath! Oh look a tiger! Is still the go to for her attention span.

Tracey has finished her chemotherapy. Had some tough times while going through it too. Lumpectomy is also done and almost fully healed. Just got two weeks of radiotherapy to complete, six monthly infusions for 3 years and 10 years of meds, and she’ll hopefully be fine. Got to go for another scan as some of her meds seem to be affecting her heart. Going there next week. Meds have been stopped until its sorted.

Jakob has failed his driving test twice! The instructors car broke down two days before his last test, so he was in a car he’d never driven before on test day! Corran failed his first the same day. Were still taking him out in your old car, so hes getting the practice in.

I’ve moved back to my old store. A lot better now. Still not managed to get your CV skills to work for me, but will keep trying.

All the memory bears that were made our of your old clothes are done. Picked mine and the kids. They are lovely.

Miss you forever, love you always!

Beck

Xx

Whats been happening over the past month or so? Here goes.

We have been and sorted out all your clothes, and there was lots of them! Most have gone to the air ambulance charity shop. Money to a good cause. Thesca big bag that has been given to someone Mum knows. She’s going to make lots of memorial teddies out of them. There is quite a list of people who we think/know would like one.

Was a bit of an emotional day doing it. But we were all there with Mum and Mark. We’ve had the odd thing to take home, just so we’ve got something to remember you with. Milo was getting lots of fuss too. He wasn’t sure what we were all doing, but he looked a bit sad too.

We’re planning our next charity fundraiser, the great glen canoe trail. Mark has already started training. Me and Saul need to get our arses into gear and start! Won’t be until April next year, so got time yet.

Your old car will be put to use soon I think. Driving lessons are going well for Corran, and his theory test has been booked. I recon by christmas he’ll be on the road! Jake has passed his theory and is storming along with his lessons too. Growing up too bloody quick these kids!

Dad is struggling. Got another appointment after his ultrasound scan. I’m sorting my shifts so I can take him. But he’s got issues with his liver now too. Know if we don’t go with him, we’ll never find out what the doctor said. He’s had his appointment through with the palliative care team too. I’m going over on Tuesday, so will find out a bit more then.

Tracey has one more chemo treatment to go! How quick has that gone? She’s still got hef op to have, and the other 14 weeks of therapy, but we’re getting there. I’m going with her to her last one. Think it will be a day to take cakes and chocs for everyone!

Ive appied for a new job, using CV you did for me. Jigged it a bit to fit what I’ve applied for. It closed on Thursday, so lets see if I get an interview! Need something with a better work/life balance though. Too much of my own time is being spent working. I’ve definitely turned into Dad on that front.

I spent an afternoon with them last week. Sorted the whisteria out for them, and put the cage back up in the boot. No idea how it had got trashed, but guessing Merlyn has a lot to do with it. Finally got them to do their DNA kits too. I’ll let you know when the results come through! Might find out we really do have a second family sonewhere!

Not getting easier not having you around. Whoever said time was a great healer lied. The amount of things I’ve seen or done that I almost call or text you about is huge!

Miss you always.

Love you forever!

Beck.

We lost you over two months ago, and its not getting any easier.

I’ve been in funks before, but always manage to pull myself out of them. This feels very different.

I feel lost, don’t want to do anything, always tired, unmotivated and sometimes like I don’t want to be here any more. Tried giving myself a kick up the arse, but to no avail at the moment.

So the next question is how long do I give myself before I get some help? Will it ease on its own? Or do I end up on some meds that will make me feel I’ve lost? Not really something I ever thought I’d need to do to be honest. But it’s looking like it might be needed.

Doesn’t help that work is shit at the moment. Maybe starting in a new place so soon after you died was a bad move. Not got a team I can rely on yet. Too many egos, not enough passion to do the job.

Also think that hubs has his heart (and body) elsewhere. But not feeling strong enough to have that conversation, again, at the moment. Bit scared that I’m right and it will all come tumbling down. So where do I go from here? Answers on a post card!

Still trying to plan a day to help clear out you vlothes and things. No dates have been given yet. But could be this coming week. Will be hard on us all, but harder for Mark.

Tracey has two more chemo appointments left. She’s doing well even if she doesn’t realise it.

Dad’s still waiting for his scan results, and his appointment with the palliative care team.

They list Dexter ladt week too. So are left with Merlyn, the ever crazy pup. We’ve all told them not to get another dog. Dad agrees, Mum not so much! There’s a suprise.

Anyway, moaning isn’t going to help me is it! Time to get into character and face work for another day of hearding cats!

Love you always

Miss you forever. X

Hi,

Had a crazy few weeks in work. Doing silly hours to try and get it right, and ready for stock take. Thats all done, so time to get my team to do what they should be doing! One more mad week before they get managed on output i guess.

Had a meeting with some whos off. Swinging the lead isn’t on the fitnote, but it should be! Lets see if OH agree with me.

Today is going to be our first sisters day without you. Not going to lie, I’m slightly dreading it. Been up and down all week, missing you like crazy. Will let you know later how it went. Let’s see if I can keep the other two talking! No more fall outs allowed. Were off to a place you reccomend to us, that was going to one you came along to. Lets see if its as good as you say it is.

I’m keeping my hair shaved for now too. Ready for our next charity fundraiser. Can’t wild camp for 5 days with long hair! Plus, when it gets wet, it will dry quicker! Very practical of me eh. Wish you could see it. Think you’d like it.

Dad actually told me about his next appointments too! Must have listened to me when I told them off for not telling us things! His scan on his swollen stomach is next week. His pacemaker check isn’t until next year.

Went to the hospial with Dad today for a heart check up. They put his pacemaker up to 75BPM. Didn’t know why it had been dropped down to 70. But his hands warmed up straight away. They are sending him for an ultrasound on his stomach too. They think its a fluid build up. He’s not good, can’t do any more for him, other than alter his meds so he’s comfortable. We were told he has end stage heart failure. But no time scale given. They are referring him to a palliative care nurse now. 😕

They also took Dexter to the vet. He has bone cancer in his leg, possible throat cancer and it might be in his eye too. 😕
Not a good day.

Going to the transplant clinic tomorrow to talk to them about you and what caused your death. Might get some answers. Tracey isn’t coming. She’s still rough from her chemo and doesn’t want to risk infection. I have her questions though.

Saul’s back is still playing up too. He went to a physio yesterday. They gave him a massage, so he’s feeling all kinds of new discomfort. He’s worrying about me too. I think this grief thing is taking its toll. Definitely not getting easier. Could do with an Em hug, and some of your words of wisdom too.

Love you always.

X

It’s official, we no longer have any children in the house.

Corran has been spoilt, rightly so, for his birthday. Party food on Friday with Emily. While Saul whisked me out for my birthday tea.

Party in the woods last night. He and Emily stayed in the new shepherds hut. Me and Saul were in hammocks, Mark and Milo stayed over in the woods too. Mark couldn’t persuade Milo into his bivi for the night, but he slept in entrance. Was good all night, but still wanted his usual early morning walk.

He did help himself to a victoria sponge, twice! (Milo, not Mark)Can’t keep a Labour away from food!

Was good to have Mark there. Would have been better if you were with him too. But know you were by our sides, and in our hearts.

Kerry and the kids didn’t stay this time. But were suitably impressed with the woods on their first visit. Think they will definitely be back!

Tracey wasn’t up to coming after her latest round of chemo. She’s suffering a bit more this week. Flu symptoms due to a different drug. But hopefully coming to the end of her bad week.

Lots of big boys toys used in the woods too. Mini crossbow and the archery target, Saul’s air rifle was out too. As was Corran’s new BB gun.

He got it for his birthdsy on Friday, after we’d finished work. By 11pm, he’d managed to accidentally shoot the TV! Needless to say, he’s now buying us a new telly. Its not cracked the screen, just damaged what’s behind it. He was mortified. Must be grown up as he eould of denied it and claimed he knew nothing a couple of years ago. Even if it was obviously him!

Had more donations to the fundraising page for New Start. One from the bee centre, with a lovely message. Following folklaw and tradition, they have told your bees of your passing. We will go and see your hive soon. They are putting a plaque on it in your memory. They collected them from yours last week. Taken them back to where you did your course, and will use them on future courses.

Love you forever, miss you always

X

Time is passing quickly, whilst going very slow at the same time. Its really not the same without you around. Miss your texts, your smile, your positive spirit and of vourse your sarcasm.

I’d have been telling you all about my new team. Instead, the Vogan mob are getting all the details. You’d have been laughing at all my new dramas, whilst giving some sage advice on dealing with it all. You’d also be after updates on how it was progressing.

Two days until my baby boy turns 18 too. Party us planned in the woods., with food, booze, fairy lights and some childhood pics. Almost text you to see if you had any of him today. Still hard to not send you things when I see stuff you’d have liked or found amusing.

I’ll put party pic on here for you to see though. Sure you’ll be there in people’s hearts and in spirit.

Love you always x